Az élet... - Life...

... szívás. Bocs a csúnya szavakért.

...

... it sucks. 'xcuse my language. Lately - since being alone and only bothered by the whining of a cousin who had her first heartbreak at the age of 26 - first time in my life, I was able to think about myself mostly without other's influences. I'm very easily influenced, prone to compromises and looking at anybody else's well-being before my own; and at the same time, i'm not really kind.
I guess losing a parent while being very young does have a profound effect on one's life. Not that i did not knew this; i just mean, i realized lately, how profound and more... subconcius it is.
In lots of things, i was always more mature than those of the same age; but i only figured out lately that i was also more immature at other aspects, too. Like in the upper grades of elementary; now i know why some of the teachers had problems with me: here's a smart, serious-thinking girl, good in academics - who giggles the day away and just can't sit on her chair properly. I drove my homeroom teacher mad all the time unintentionally; my mom was called in to discussions about me on two occasions, oh and one of them was because i was bullied by my classmates. So she called my mom. Well done.
And then high school, well that was ok, i guess because of the hordes of adolescents around i didn't stood out, especially after the third year, when i found real buddies and even friends :)
Than the uni, which, thinking back, was a disaster, where everyone just went on their own way, everyone seemed to know what they want, except me. Oh, and the profound lack of kindred spirits still knocks me off. It ought to have been a freethinking, well-read society with a broad range of interest in every subject as well as in the world - but I rarely had interesting conversations aside of what courses do we have. Simply put, no one seemed to being interested in anyone else beside themselves maybe except for study material, and maybe if their musical/fashion/theater tastes were an exact match. For example, I took up a history class once. In an other department, other building, where everyone else around was a history or archeology major, and here i come from the language department. Any questions? Nope. Looked through me. Not one question about "how come a swedish-estonian student wants to learn about heraldry?" or "hey, you're other faculty, what do you learn there exactly?", or not even a chat about their own classes. Just plain dull uninterest and talking about the wheather. Ok, being extremely shy did not help, but the lack of of "being interested"... oh boy.
Funny enough, my workplaces - all of them factories - where all more interesting places with more interesting people then this big-named university. Ivy-league is the same everywhere i guess.
And then about a year or a half ago, me cusin sa'd to me "i just cant understand you, coz you are so different of any of my other friends". Sure. Good. And as i'm sensible enough not to humiliate others right away when they are idiots with me, but try to figure out first what's the reason of them being a jerk, i did not tell her "because none of them lost their father at age four, d***head, as you are very well aware of". As most of my strangeness goes back to that event and even more so onto it's aftermath. But nevermind, from someone who lived 25 years and only realized in the last two that how good and happy a life she had, i cant possibly expect to comprehend why someone like me behaves and thinks like i do. Even if she grew up with me and knew about most of the things. Ignorance is bliss.

Or am i being too emphatic again?

Behatások - Inputs

Ha már alkotásokról nem tudok írni, mert az ugye lassabban megy...

...

Well i can't write about crations them being much longer to do than just reading/listening/watching...

Watched: Harry Potter and the chamber of Secrets. My least favourite amongs the hp books, and probably among the movies too. Lockhart is a great character, but annoying nevertheless, as is the whole story with all the backlashes of fame and a nasty reptile going around. ok, since the sixth book i look it a bit differently too, but still. Anyways, done, watched, let's proceed to the next one :)

Listening: Guns'n'Roses: Use Your Illusion II. Oh my. Almost forgot how cool this band is, 'specially this album. Ususally i listen to more harder music ( not rock, but metal) but lately they have a depressing effect on me, so Guns' is the right for me now. Still has great gitar stuff, is rock, and is postive.
On an interesting note, a few years back, i met up a coiple of kids at a Tolkien meeting who were 5-7 years my junior. And when i heard a guns' song in the radio, and said, hey, listen! they didn't even know this band existed! Crazy. But two years later, i run into a few of them, in a middle of an In Flames concert. So i guess they aren't lost completly :)

(Will be) reading: Jane Austen: Persuasion. Bought it on saturday for 20 p, and even started to write a post from that (day) but then we went out to cinema so its unfinished. I cant decide if its alright to post something out of order/dated back... anyways, i'm looking forward for the book, coz unlike Sense ans Sensibility, i did not read or see it in any form before, i dont know anything about the book aside of who wrote it.